On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored

In one sentence

We are not primarily rational agents making logical choices; we are relational beings whose identities are forged through "useless" interactions like tickling, kissing, and enduring boredom.

Why read this (and who it's for)

Most psychological literature focuses on why we do things—the cognitive reasons, the traumas, or the neurological rewards. Phillips argues that many of our most fundamental behaviors happen before "why" even enters the conversation.

This book is for:

• Parents and educators who want to understand why children engage in repetitive, seemingly pointless play.
• Psychologists and students interested in developmental theory and the phenomenology of human interaction.
• Anyone who feels "weird" about their own behaviors—like why they get so annoyed by a certain tickle or why they feel such intense dread during moments of boredom.

After reading this, you will be able to see social interactions not as mere transactions, but as essential developmental exercises in boundary-setting, self-discovery, and relational recognition.

The big idea

Phillips argues that human behavior is rooted in a "pre-rational" space. We often act before we think, driven by an internal logic of interaction that predates our conscious intentions. He suggests that behaviors like tickling, kissing, and even the experience of boredom are not just "side effects" of being human; they are primary ways in which we learn what it means to be a person in relation to others.

The core of his argument rests on Relationality. We do not develop as isolated islands of consciousness. Instead, we develop through our interactions with the world and other people. A child learns where their body ends and another's begins not by reading a map, but by being tickled, pushed, held, and eventually, bored. These experiences create the "scaffolding" of our personalities.

Finally, Phillips highlights that Boredom is one of the most important developmental tools we have. While modern society views boredom as a problem to be solved with a screen or a task, Phillips argues that boredom is the moment when the external world recedes, forcing us to confront our own internal life. It is in the "waiting room" of boredom that self-reflection and creativity are born.

Key ideas

The Pre-rationality of Action

• What it is — Much of what we do is not planned; it is a response to an immediate, felt environment. We act on impulse, habit, and social cues before our "thinking brain" can intervene.
• Why it matters — If you believe your actions are always purely logical, you will be frustrated by your own inconsistencies. Recognizing pre-rationality allows you to see how much of your life is shaped by feeling rather than deciding.
• In the book — Phillips explores how children (and adults) engage in "automatic" behaviors that serve no immediate survival purpose but are essential for navigating social space.

Tickling as Boundary Testing

• What it is — Tickling is a unique, high-intensity interaction that relies on surprise and the violation of physical boundaries. It is a way of saying, "I can reach you, and I can make you react."
• Why it matters — It teaches us about power, consent, and the physical presence of another person. It is a safe way to explore the "danger" of being touched by someone else.
• In the book — Phillips describes tickling as a social game where the "rules" are constantly shifting. It isn't just about the sensation; it’s about the shared experience of surprise and the physical proximity required to do it.

Kissing as Recognition

• What it is — Beyond its romantic connotations, kissing is an act of profound recognition. It is a way of acknowledging another person's body as a space that can be entered and shared.
• Why it matters — It represents the ultimate collapse of boundaries. In a kiss, two people acknowledge each other’s presence in a way that transcends words or actions; it is an embodied "yes" to the other.
• In the book — Phillips frames kissing as a primary way humans explore intimacy and the "otherness" of another person's physical form.

Boredom as a Gateway to Self

• What it is — Boredom is what happens when external stimuli are removed, leaving you alone with your own thoughts. It is a state of "waiting" for something to happen.
• Why it matters — Without boredom, we never learn to inhabit our own minds. Boredom forces us to look inward, which eventually leads to imagination, self-reflection, and the creation of internal worlds.
• In the book — Phillips argues that modern society's "death of boredom" (the constant availability of distraction) may be robbing us of the very space where our inner lives are cultivated.

The Role of Play in Development

• What it is — Play is non-utilitarian activity. It has no "point" other than the doing of it.
• Why it matters — Because play isn't "useful," it allows us to experiment with roles, rules, and relationships without the pressure of consequences. It is the laboratory of human behavior.
• In the book — He explores how children use play to rehearse life, testing out what it means to be a friend, an enemy, or a hero.

The "Other" as a Mirror

• What it is — We only know who we are by interacting with people who are not us. The "Other" provides the contrast necessary for self-definition.
• Why it matters — If you were alone in a void, you would have no concept of "self." You need a social world to define your boundaries, your preferences, and your identity.
• In the book — Phillips emphasizes that our identities are socially constructed through the constant feedback loop of interaction with others.

Frameworks & tools

The Relational Scaffolding Model

To understand how we develop as people, look at human interaction through three layers:

1. Physicality (The Body): How do I occupy space? How do I react to touch? (Tickling, holding, dancing).
2. Relationality (The Other): How do I interact with someone else's boundaries? (Sharing, turn-taking, role-playing).
3. Interiority (The Self): What happens when no one is watching and nothing is happening? (Boredom, daydreaming, reflection).

The Boredom Audit

Use this to reclaim the "waiting room" of your mind:

1. Identify a "Dead Zone": Find a time when you usually reach for a phone (waiting in line, sitting on a bus, waiting for water to boil).
2. The 5-Minute Rule: Commit to doing nothing during that window. No phone, no book, no podcast.
3. Observe the Internal Shift: Notice what thoughts arise when you are "bored." Do they lead to memories? Creative ideas? Or a feeling of restlessness?
4. Analyze the Result: Did the boredom lead to a realization or a creative spark? This is where your internal world lives.

Memorable examples & stories

The Tickle Experiment

Phillips describes how tickling is fundamentally about surprise. If you know exactly when someone is going to tickle you, it ceases to be tickling. It becomes a predictable touch. The lesson: Impactful interaction requires the element of the unexpected; we learn boundaries by testing where the "unexpected" begins and ends.

The Waiting Room of Boredom

Phillips paints a vivid picture of children sitting in front of a television or a toy, eventually becoming still. In that stillness, they aren't just "doing nothing"—they are beginning to inhabit their own internal space. The lesson: Boredom is the soil in which imagination grows; if you pave over it with constant stimulation, the imagination has nowhere to root.

The Recognition of the Kiss

He describes the way a kiss isn't just a physical act but a moment where two people acknowledge each other’s "otherness." It is a recognition that there is another person there, and we are choosing to bridge the gap between our bodies. The lesson: Intimacy is built on the recognition of the other as a distinct, sovereign being.

Key quotes

"Tickling is a way of testing the boundaries of the other's body." (Paraphrased) Why it matters: It highlights that even "fun" behaviors are actually deep explorations of social and physical limits.

"Boredom is the space where we meet ourselves." (Paraphrased) Why it matters: It reframes a negative emotion as a vital developmental opportunity for self-discovery.

"We learn who we are by interacting with people who are not us." (Paraphrased) Why it matters: This underscores the social nature of identity—we are mirrors of our relationships.

How to apply it

This week

1. The "No-Phone" Wait: The next time you are in a queue or waiting for an appointment, keep your phone in your pocket. Observe the feeling of boredom and what thoughts emerge from it.
2. Observe Play: If you have children (or even pets), watch them play for 10 minutes without intervening. Note how they negotiate rules and boundaries with each other.
3. The Boundary Check: Reflect on a recent social interaction where you felt "off" or uncomfortable. Ask yourself: Was this about a boundary being crossed? Was it a surprise I wasn't ready for?

Ongoing

• Protect the "Boredom Zones": Intentionally schedule time for "nothing." Whether it’s a walk without headphones or sitting on a porch, allow your mind to wander.
• Relational Awareness: When interacting with others, remember that you are both constantly negotiating boundaries. Practice being present in the physicality of the moment—the eye contact, the shared space, and the non-verbal cues.

Common pitfalls

• The "Utility" Trap: Many people try to find a "point" for tickling or play. Phillips argues that the point is the doing. If you try to make it productive (e.g., "How can I use this to teach my kid a lesson?"), you miss the developmental magic of the interaction itself.
• Over-pathologizing Boredom: We often treat boredom as a symptom of ADHD or anxiety that needs to be medicated or managed. Phillips suggests that by treating it as a problem, we lose its value as a gateway to the self.
• The "Logical" Fallacy: Don't assume that because you can explain why you did something (e.g., "I bought this because I thought it would make me happy"), your initial motivation wasn't actually a pre-rational, emotional impulse.

Connects to

• "The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life" by Erving Goffman: Extends the idea of how we perform our identities in social spaces.
• "Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Offers a different perspective on deep engagement, though Phillips focuses more on the pre-rational and relational rather than the "optimal experience."
• The concept of "The Other" in Philosophy (Levinas/Sartre): Provides the philosophical backbone for how we recognize other people as distinct beings.

If you remember only three things

• Pre-rationality: Most human behavior happens before we think about it; it is rooted in feeling and interaction.
• Boredom as a Gift: Boredom is not a waste of time; it is the essential space where your internal life and imagination are developed.
• Relational Identity: You are who you are because of the people you interact with, the boundaries you test, and the "useless" play you engage in together.

Internalize it

• Reflection questions

  1. When was the last time I allowed myself to be truly bored without reaching for a distraction? What did I notice about my internal thoughts during that time?
  2. How much of my daily behavior is "pre-rational" (habit/impulse) versus "rational" (planned/deliberate)? Can I identify one habit I'd like to become more conscious of?
  3. In my closest relationships, how do we negotiate boundaries? Is our interaction a shared exploration or a series of transactions?

• Flashcards Q: What is the primary role of tickling in human development? A: It is a way of testing and exploring physical and social boundaries through surprise and reaction.

Q: How does Phillips define "pre-rational" behavior? A: Actions that occur before conscious thought, driven by immediate feelings, habits, and social interactions.

Q: Why is boredom considered a "gateway"? A: Because it removes external distractions, forcing the individual to confront their internal life, which fosters self-reflection and imagination.

Q: What is the core of "Relationality" in this book? A: The idea that our identities are not formed in isolation but through constant interaction with others (the "Other").

Q: Why is play considered "non-utilitarian"? A: Because it has no immediate practical purpose; its value lies in the experience of doing and the exploration of roles/rules.

Q: What does kissing represent in a developmental sense? A: A recognition of the other's body as a space that can be entered and shared, acknowledging their "otherness."