Jen Lumanlan — Why Your Preschooler Is Hitting, Biting, or Kicking

In one sentence

Instead of asking "How do I get the hitting to stop?", you must ask, "What need is this behavior communicating?"

Why read this (and who it's for)

This summary is for parents and educators who are exhausted by the cycle of "bad behavior," "serious talks," and "consequences" that fail to produce lasting change. It solves the problem of reactive parenting by providing a framework to identify the root causes of preschool behaviors (like hitting, biting, and kicking) and offers a way to negotiate accommodations that satisfy both the child's needs and the adult's requirements for safety and order.

The big idea

The central thesis of this teaching is that "misbehavior" is actually a form of communication. When a child hits, bites, or kicks, they are using the only tools available to them to express a need that isn't being met. For a preschooler, the classroom is often the first time they encounter an adult who controls almost every aspect of their physical existence—where they sit, when they move, and how they interact.

When a child reacts with "big behaviors," it is often a desperate attempt to reclaim autonomy (the ability to have a say over their own body) or to manage a sensory overwhelm. Because we often view these behaviors through a lens of "compliance" (the child must do what the adult says to be "kindergarten ready"), we miss the underlying distress. By shifting the focus from stopping the behavior to understanding the need, you can move from reacting to the behavior to responding to the child.

Key ideas

The Autonomy Gap

• What it is — Autonomy is the need for a child to have a say over their own body and choices. For a preschooler, hitting or kicking can be the only tool they have to say, "I don't have any say over what happens to my body right now."
• Why it matters — If you ignore the need for autonomy, the child will continue to use "big behaviors" to protest the lack of control.
• In the book — Jen notes that a classroom is a radical shift for a child who has spent three years deciding for themselves when to run or go to the bathroom, only to be told to sit "crisscross applesauce" for 20 minutes.

The "Compliance" Trap

• What it is — The cultural pressure to make children "kindergarten ready" often prioritizes immediate obedience over the child's internal experience.
• Why it matters — This creates a "power-over" dynamic where the child learns to suppress their needs to satisfy an adult's requirement for ease or order.
• In the book — Jen acknowledges that while teachers need "competence" and "ease" to keep children safe, we must ensure we aren't just demanding compliance because it's easier for the adult.

Sensory and Transitional Stress

• What it is — Many behaviors are rooted in sensory processing issues (noise, touch, movement) or difficulty with transitions (moving from one activity to another).
• Why it matters — If a child is dysregulated by a loud room or a sudden change, they cannot "choose" to behave; they are reacting to a physiological stressor.
• In the book — Jen suggests identifying if a child is "jostled by other kids" or overwhelmed by noise, which might require them to be at the front of a line or have a specific "safe" spot.

The Adult's Role in the Trigger

• What it is — It is much easier to change how an adult shows up in a situation than to change how a child shows up.
• Why it matters — When we see a behavior, we often see it as a "problem" to be fixed in the child, but the "make or break" factor is often the environment or the adult's response.
• In the book — Jen argues that we must look at what happened right before the hit or kick, and what happened earlier in the day that contributed to the child's stress level.

Needs-Based Negotiation

• What it is — Identifying the needs of both the child (autonomy, sensory comfort) and the adult (safety, ease, competence) to find a middle ground.
• Why it matters — This moves parenting from a "power struggle" to a "collaborative" model where everyone's needs are met.
• In the book — Jen shares a story where she negotiated a "separated" nap mat for her daughter so the child could have a break from the nap while the teacher still had a quiet room.

Frameworks & tools

The Needs-Based Assessment (The 4-Step Shift)

While the full 4-step masterclass is a separate product, Jen outlines the core logic of the assessment here:

1. Identify the Behavior: What is the child actually doing? (Hitting, biting, kicking).
2. Look Back: What happened right before this? What happened earlier in the day? (Was there a transition? A sensory trigger? A lack of choice?).
3. Identify the Need: Is this about Autonomy? Sensory input? A need for connection?
4. Negotiate an Accommodation: Find a way to meet the child's need while still meeting the adult's need for safety and ease.

The Accommodation Audit

When a child struggles with a specific classroom requirement (like Circle Time), ask:

1. What is the child's need? (e.g., "They need to move their body.")
2. What is the adult's need? (e.g., "I need the kids to be safe and quiet.")
3. What is the "Middle Way"? (e.g., "Can they sit on a ball at the back of the room with a teacher nearby?")

Memorable examples & stories

The "Party" Analogy

Jen asks the reader to imagine being an adult at a loud party. If you felt overwhelmed and moved to a quiet room, and a stronger person physically grabbed you and shoved you back into the noise, you would see that as a violation of your body autonomy. This helps parents realize that for a child, being forced into a loud circle is a similar violation of their autonomy. Lesson: If we wouldn't want it done to us as adults, we shouldn't expect it to be okay for a child.

The "Power-Over" Teacher

Jen shares that many teachers enter the profession to "right a wrong" from their own childhoods. Because of this, they may default to a "power-over" model of teaching because they never experienced a collaborative relationship. Lesson: Teachers are humans with their own triggers; acknowledging this helps us approach them with more empathy.

The Nap Time Negotiation

Jen’s daughter was finished with naps but was forced to lie down because the teacher needed "ease" and "competence" in following state standards. They negotiated a solution where the child could play with soft toys in a separated area so she could have her "play" need met while the teacher's "quiet" need was preserved. Lesson: Almost every "impossible" behavior has a negotiated solution if you identify the underlying needs.

Key quotes

"We're no longer asking how do I get the hitting to stop? And we're going to start looking at what's happening in the child's day and in their body that's building up to that moment where they hit." Why it matters: This shifts the focus from the symptom (hitting) to the cause (the internal state of the child).

"It takes a lot more skill and humility to ask what happened right before the hit, the bite, or the kick and also what else had happened that day or what else is going on in the child's life." Why it matters: It demands a detective-like curiosity instead of a punitive reaction.

"You don't have to figure out what is the right script to say to your child... It all comes down to answering just one question: What need is this behavior communicating?" Why it matters: It simplifies the overwhelming "to-do" list of parenting into a single, actionable inquiry.

How to apply it

This week

• The "Pre-Hit" Observation: The next time your child has a "big behavior," do not react immediately. Instead, spend 30 seconds observing what happened just before the behavior. Was there a transition? A loud noise? A demand for a choice?
• The "Why" Audit: Identify one recurring behavior (e.g., kicking in line). Instead of thinking "How do I stop the kicking?", write down three possible needs it might be communicating (e.g., "I need to move," "I'm overwhelmed by the crowd," "I want to see what's next").

Ongoing

• Identify the Needs: Before a known "trigger" situation (like circle time or transitions), identify the child's need. If they need to move, can they hold a fidget toy or stand at the back?
• Collaborative Negotiation: When a conflict arises, try to find the "Middle Way." Ask: "What does my child need right now, and what do I need for this room to be safe/calm?" Then, look for a solution that satisfies both.

Common pitfalls

• The "Compliance" Trap: Thinking that "kindergarten readiness" means a child must be able to ignore their own bodily needs to follow an adult's command.
• Reaction vs. Response: Reacting to the hit/bite instead of responding to the underlying distress.
• The "Fault" Fallacy: Trying to find out who is "at fault." Jen emphasizes that "Nobody's at fault. You're just trying to find out what happened."

Connects to

• Parenting Beyond Power (Jen Lumanlan): This episode builds on her work regarding collaborative adult-child relationships.
• Sensory Processing Theory: The ideas regarding "sensory issues" and "bodily comfort" align with how children process environmental stimuli.

If you remember only three things

• Stop trying to "fix" the behavior; start trying to "understand" the communication.
• Identify the underlying need (Autonomy, Sensory, or Transition).
• Find the "Middle Way" that meets both the child's needs and the adult's requirements for safety and ease.

Internalize it

• Reflection questions

  • When my child hits or kicks, what is the very first thing that happened right before that moment?
  • If I were to imagine myself in my child's body in that situation, what would I be feeling?
  • What is the "adult need" (safety, ease, competence) that I am trying to protect in the classroom/home?
  • How can I offer my child a choice (autonomy) before they feel the need to "act out" to get it?

• Flashcards Q: What is the fundamental question we should ask instead of "How do I stop this behavior?" A: "What need is this behavior communicating?"

Q: What are the three primary needs of a teacher that might influence their expectations for behavior? A: Competence, children's safety, and ease.

Q: Why is "autonomy" so important for a preschooler? A: Because the classroom is often the first time they are under the control of an adult who dictates their physical movements.

Q: What is the difference between reacting and responding? A: Reacting is trying to stop the behavior; responding is identifying what happened and what the child needs.

Q: What is a "Middle Way" solution for a child who needs to move during a quiet circle time? A: Allowing them to sit on a ball or stand at the back of the room with a teacher nearby.

Fidelity note

This summary is based entirely on the provided transcript of Jen Lumanlan's podcast episode. I am confident in the core message of "needs-based communication" versus "behavioral suppression." The specific "4-step" process is mentioned as a paid masterclass, so while the logic is present in the transcript, the full step-by-step breakdown is not fully detailed beyond the general "Identify/Look Back/Analyze" framework.