Jen Lumanlan — Raising kids in divisive times: Where do we go after the 2024 election?

In one sentence

To move past political polarization, we must shift from a "power over" model of social interaction to a "belonging" model that recognizes the valid needs of others, starting with the way we structure our own families.

Why read this (and who it's for)

This episode addresses the paralyzing anxiety parents feel when faced with a fractured political landscape and a polarized culture. It is for parents who want to raise children who can navigate a divided world without losing their humanity. You will learn how to identify the underlying moral foundations of different groups, recognize the difference between "inclusion" and "belonging," and apply these concepts to parenting to create a home environment where children feel truly seen and heard.

The big idea

Jen Lumanlan argues that our political divisions are often rooted in fundamentally different moral "gut instincts" rather than a simple lack of information. Drawing on Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s The Righteous Mind, she explains that liberals and conservatives prioritize different moral foundations (such as Care/Fairness vs. Loyalty/Authority/Sanctity). Because we see the world through different moral lenses, we often view the other side's needs as illegitimate.

To bridge this gap, Lumanlan suggests we must move beyond "inclusion"—which is merely allowing someone into a group—toward "belonging," which requires creating a space where everyone feels they have a role and a purpose. This begins at the smallest unit of society: the family. By dismantling "power over" structures in our homes—where parents demand compliance for their own convenience—and replacing them with a "belonging" model that honors a child's need for autonomy, we train children to see others as people with valid needs rather than obstacles to be managed.

Key ideas

The Five Moral Foundations

• What it is — Humans have evolved five moral foundations to help us survive: Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, and Sanctity/Degradation.
• Why it matters — Understanding these helps you realize that "the other side" isn't necessarily "evil"; they are often prioritizing a different, equally valid evolutionary survival mechanism (e.g., group loyalty vs. individual care).
• In the book — Lumanlan explains that liberals prioritize Care and Fairness (protecting the vulnerable), while conservatives weight all five foundations more evenly, including Loyalty (in-group cohesion) and Sanctity (preserving the natural order).

Inclusion vs. Belonging

• What it is — Inclusion is allowing a member of an excluded group to join a long-standing club; Belonging is ensuring they have a role and a sense of purpose within that group.
• Why it matters — You can "include" a child in a family dinner without them actually "belonging" if they are still being forced to assimilate to a rigid, pre-existing power structure.
• In the book — Lumanlan cites the example of Yale admitting women in 1969: they were "included" (admitted), but they were forced to assimilate to a male-dominated culture where they were still excluded from private clubs and social norms.

The Trap of "Othering"

• What it is — "Othering" is the process of creating a group identity by defining who is not part of that group, often by scapegoating minorities or out-groups.
• Why it matters — When we respond to political threats by attacking the "other," we actually strengthen the identity of the group we are trying to oppose, making them more radicalized.
• In the book — Lumanlan notes how the invasion of Ukraine incited a surge of nationalistic identity within Ukraine; similarly, attacking Trump voters for their beliefs may only make their identity as "gun owners" or "traditionalists" more rigid.

Benevolent Prejudice

• What it is — A form of male domination where women are idealized and "protected" rather than given autonomy.
• Why it matters — It creates an illusion of support while actually reducing a person's agency because they are viewed as "too weak" to handle responsibility.
• In the book — Lumanlan points out that some political rhetoric about "protecting" women actually functions as benevolent prejudice, where women are cherished but their autonomy is diminished.

The Power of Intermittent Rewards

• What it is — A psychological principle where a behavior (like running a maze) is maintained because the reward is unpredictable.
• Why it matters — In parenting, if you are always rigid and then occasionally give in, the child learns to "run the maze" (test boundaries) to see if they can get the reward today.
• In the book — Lumanlan uses the "rat in a maze" analogy to explain why children might become more defiant when we are inconsistent with our boundaries.

Frameworks & tools

The Belonging Audit

Use this to evaluate how you are interacting with people who hold different views:

1. Identify the Need: Instead of asking "What is wrong with their view?", ask "What need are they trying to fill?" (e.g., Is it a need for safety? For tradition? For autonomy?)
2. Listen for the "Why": Practice active listening to understand the why behind their position without trying to "win" the argument.
3. Seek Shared Purpose: Look for ways to collaborate on a common goal (like a community project) rather than just debating a single issue.

The "Would You Be Willing?" Invitation

A tool to shift from "Power Over" to "Power With" in parenting:

1. Identify a Goal: Decide what you want your child to do (e.g., "Put your shoes on").
2. Ask the Question: Instead of a command, ask, "Would you be willing to put your shoes on?"
3. Accept the "No": Be prepared for the answer to be "No."
4. Assess Capacity: When they say no, ask yourself: "Do I have the capacity to do this right now?" (e.g., Do I have the energy to negotiate? Is this a safety issue?)
5. Collaborate: Once you've assessed your own capacity, invite the child into the process of finding a solution that meets both of your needs.

Memorable examples & stories

• The "Bar" Analogy: Lumanlan describes a difference in how liberals and conservatives view "belonging." A conservative walks into a bar of conservatives and is welcomed; a liberal walks into a bar of liberals and is asked, "How liberal are you?" (i.e., do you see the issues exactly as we do?). Lesson: True belonging requires a shared vision, not just a shared label.
• The "Tunnel Tops" Park: A park was built for a community, but only wealthy people from nearby used it. The developers then held "listening circles" to find out what the actual community needed (like swimming lessons and accessible benches). Lesson: Belonging requires listening to the community's actual needs rather than assuming what they want.
• The "Rat in the Maze": Lumanlan explains that if a rat is rewarded every time it runs a maze, and then you stop, it gives up. But if the reward is random, it will keep running. Lesson: Inconsistent parenting boundaries can actually encourage more testing of limits.

Key quotes

• "The argument that all the people who voted for Trump are racist/misogynist is kind of dangerous... maybe some of them are, most of them are not."
• "Inclusion is like when members of a previously excluded group are allowed to join a long-standing club... Belonging is different from inclusion and even equitable inclusion."
• "We don't just cancel each other and walk away. That's not belonging."
• "The first question is, what do you want your child to do? ... The second question is, what do you want to be their reason for doing it?" (paraphrased)

How to apply it

This week

• The "Would You Be Willing" Experiment: Choose one non-essential task (e.g., "Would you be willing to clear the table?") and ask your child. Practice accepting a "no" without immediate frustration.
• The Need Audit: Identify one person you find "difficult" or "judgmental." Instead of labeling them, write down three possible needs they might be trying to fulfill (e.g., a need for safety, a need for order).

Ongoing

• Practice "Active Listening" with "Red" or "Blue" perspectives: Use the tools from Braver Angels or Monica Guzman’s work to engage in conversations where the goal is understanding, not persuasion.
• Audit your "Power Over" moments: When you feel yourself about to bark a command, pause and ask: "Am I doing this for my own convenience/comfort, or is this actually meeting a need of the other person?"

Common pitfalls

• The "Cancel" Trap: Thinking that "canceling" someone who disagrees with you is a way to create belonging. Lumanlan argues that canceling is the opposite of belonging.
• The "Implicit" Bias of Inclusion: Assuming that simply "allowing" someone to be there is enough. You must actively change the structures of the group to ensure they can actually participate.
• The "Benevolent" Trap: Thinking that "protecting" your children (or others) from the world is always the right move, when it might actually be stripping them of their autonomy.

Connects to

• The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt: Provides the foundational moral psychology for understanding why people see the world differently.
• How to Build Belonging Without Othering by Dr. John Powell: Provides the specific framework for moving from inclusion to true belonging.
• Parenting Beyond Power (Book Club): The source of the "needs" and "autonomy" framework used to apply these concepts to child-rearing.

If you remember only three things

• Belonging $\neq$ Inclusion: Inclusion is a seat at the table; belonging is having a voice and a role at that table.
• Identify the Need: When you see a behavior or a political stance you dislike, ask: "What need is this person trying to meet?"
• Power Over vs. Power With: Move from demanding compliance for your own convenience to inviting others into a collaborative process of meeting mutual needs.

Internalize it

• Reflection questions
  • When I get angry at someone's political views, what "moral foundation" (Care, Fairness, Loyalty, Authority, or Sanctity) are they prioritizing that I am overlooking?
  • In what ways am I currently using "Power Over" in my household to make my own life easier rather than helping my child develop autonomy?
  • How can I create a "listening circle" in my own home where my partner and I can discuss our needs without one person dominating the conversation?
• Flashcards Q: What is the difference between inclusion and belonging? A: Inclusion is allowing a group to join a club; belonging is ensuring they have a role and a sense of purpose within that group. Q: What are the five moral foundations according to Jonathan Haidt? A: Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, and Sanctity/Degradation. Q: What is "Benevolent Prejudice"? A: A form of dominance where people are idealized and "protected" because they are seen as weak, which ultimately reduces their autonomy. Q: Why is "Othering" a problem in social movements? A: Because it creates a group identity based on who is excluded, which can lead to scapegoating and increased radicalization of the "in-group." Q: How can you practice "Power With" in parenting? A: By asking "Would you be willing?" and being prepared to hear "No," then assessing your own capacity to negotiate a solution.

Fidelity note

This summary is based entirely on the transcript provided. I am confident in the representation of the moral foundations and the distinction between inclusion and belonging. The specific "rat in a maze" and "bar" analogies are central to Lumanlan's explanation of the current social climate. The "Power Over" vs. "Power With" framework is a core theme of her Parenting Beyond Power work, which she applies to the political context of the 2024 election.