Jemma Spake — How to get better at being alone

In one sentence

The ability to be alone is a psychological superpower that allows you to become your own primary source of validation and stability, ultimately leading to higher intelligence, greater creativity, and more intentional social connections.

Why read this (and who it's for)

This episode addresses the pervasive "social surveillance" of the digital age where we feel pressured to be constantly busy and connected. It is for anyone who feels a sense of guilt or panic when their social calendar is empty, or anyone who feels "lonely" even when surrounded by people. By the end, you will be able to distinguish between healthy solitude and social withdrawal, and you will have a toolkit to transform "alone time" from a perceived punishment into a productive, creative sanctuary.

The big idea

Jemma Spake argues that our modern fear of being alone is often a result of "social surveillance"—the feeling that we are constantly being watched and judged for our lack of activity. Because of this, we often flee from solitude not because we actually enjoy other people's company more, but because we are trying to escape the internal critic that tells us we are "lonely" or "unsuccessful" if we aren't busy.

The core logic is that when we avoid solitude, we fail to develop the muscles of self-regulation. If you always rely on others to calm you down (co-regulation), you become emotionally dependent on their presence. By intentionally practicing solitude, you force yourself to become your own source of comfort and stability. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have friends; it means that when you are capable of being alone, your relationships move from a place of desperation (staying in bad relationships just to avoid being alone) to a place of abundance (choosing high-quality connections because you are already fulfilled by yourself).

Key ideas

The Social Cost of Solitude

Society often "villainizes" solitude by assuming that anyone who is alone is alone because they are undesirable. This creates a self-reinforcing cycle: we fear being alone because we fear the judgment of others, so we over-fill our calendars with social obligations that may not actually make us happy.

• Why it matters: Recognizing this as a social construct allows you to stop viewing your alone time as a "failure" and start seeing it as a choice.
• In the book: Spake cites a 2022 study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology showing that people often make incorrect, negative snap judgments about "solitude seekers," assuming they are less friendly or don't care about belonging.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

We often use these terms interchangeably, but they are biologically and psychologically distinct. Loneliness is a state of "absence and longing" that can have serious health consequences (comparable to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day). Solitude, however, is a state of "presence" where you can feel socially connected while being physically alone.

• Why it matters: Understanding this distinction allows you to enjoy being alone without the "health tax" of loneliness.
• In the book: Spake explains that you can have two great friendships and spend most of your time alone without ever experiencing the negative health impacts of loneliness.

Co-regulation vs. Self-regulation

Most people use others to regulate their emotions—relying on a partner or friend to help them calm down or feel "okay." This is co-regulation. Solitude forces you to practice self-regulation: using internal strategies like walking, breathing, or positive self-talk to manage your internal state.

• Why it matters: If you only know how to co-regulate, alone time feels dangerous because you lack the tools to handle uncomfortable emotions by yourself.
• In the book: Spake argues that solitude allows you to become your own primary source of validation and stability.

The "Incubation" of Creativity

Solitude provides a unique environment for the "incubation of ideas." When the "walls" of social pressure come down, the brain is allowed to wander, which facilitates creative insight.

• Why it matters: Creativity thrives in the absence of social stimulation.
• In the book: Spake references a 2000 Italian study finding that solitude creates conditions for "authenticity, imagination, and fascination." She notes that while lonely people can be creative, the process of solitude (presence) makes it easier than the process of loneliness (rumination).

The Filter of Abundance

When you are comfortable being alone, your standards for who you let into your life become much higher. Solitude acts as a filter.

• Why it matters: It moves your relationships from "necessity" to "quality."
• In the book: Spake explains that when you aren't afraid of the "void" of being alone, you stop accepting people who don't treat you well just to avoid being by yourself.

The "Church of Solitude"

A "Church of Solitude" is a specific physical location that is reserved only for you—a place where no one else goes and where you can go to intentionally practice being alone.

• Why it matters: It creates a psychological "cue." When you enter that space, your brain knows it is time to practice solitude, making it easier to access the benefits of a wandering mind.
• In the book: Spake shares her personal example of a specific tree in Centennial Park in Sydney where she went to find her own space.

Frameworks & tools

The Solitude-to-Abundance Framework

Use this to shift your perspective when you feel the "panic" of an empty weekend.

1. Identify the Fear: Ask, "Am I afraid of being alone, or am I afraid of what my brain is telling me about my social status?"
2. Reframe the Opportunity: Instead of seeing a free weekend as a "lack of invites," ask: "What is something I’ve been wanting to do that I can only do when I have the space to do it alone?"
3. The "Date" Mentality: Treat your alone time as a date with yourself. If you wouldn't take a friend out for a boring, monotonous activity, don't do it with yourself.
4. The Quality Check: Ensure your alone time includes "quality" (hobbies, intentional movement, etc.) rather than just "passive" time (scrolling on a phone).

The Social Withdrawal Diagnostic

Use this to determine if your solitude is healthy or if you are slipping into a problematic pattern.

• Solitude: Voluntary, temporary, and enjoyable. You can "opt-in" and "opt-out" easily.
• Unsociability: A personality preference. You simply prefer reading to parties, but you aren't distressed by it.
• Social Withdrawal: Involuntary and distressing. This happens when social interaction feels "heavy" or "threatening" due to past trauma or a bad breakup.
• Action: If you find yourself in "Withdrawal," recognize that social skills are like muscles—they atrophy with disuse. You may need to intentionally "re-train" your social muscles in small, low-stakes ways.

Memorable examples & stories

• The "Lone Wolf" and "Crazy Cat Lady" Labels: Spake discusses how society uses harsh language to describe people who choose solitude, which creates a "social tax" that makes people afraid to be alone. Lesson: Our fear of solitude is often a fear of social judgment.
• The "Church of Solitude" in Centennial Park: Spake describes finding a specific tree in a park where she could go to be alone without being bothered. Lesson: Physical locations can "cue" your brain into a state of creative solitude.
• The "Date" with the Self: Spake describes a time her boyfriend was away, and she went to the movies alone with a journal and snacks. She called it the "funnest thing" she'd done all year. Lesson: Making an "event" of your solitude makes it less scary and more rewarding.
• The 2-Minute Silence Study: A study where researchers found that 2 minutes of silence elicited lower stress markers than even 5 minutes of "rest" with ambient noise. Lesson: True silence is a biological necessity for stress reduction.

Key quotes

"The ability to be quiet and to look inwards... is a lost art, it's a lost skill to just sit with yourself and be like, what do I think? What do I want?"

• Why it matters: It highlights that solitude is a skill that requires practice, not just a state of being.

"Loneliness is about the gap between the social connection you have and the social connection you want." (Paraphrased)

• Why it matters: This clarifies that the "problem" isn't the number of hours alone, but the subjective feeling of connection.

"When we get better at spending time alone, the better our relationships should become... they operate in unison."

• Why it matters: It refutes the idea that solitude and social life are opposites; they are actually mutually reinforcing.

How to apply it

This week

• The "No-Input" Walk: Go for a 15-minute walk without headphones, podcasts, or music. Just be with your own thoughts.
• The "Date" Plan: Schedule one "solo date" this week (a cafe, a museum, or a movie). Treat it with the same planning and excitement as a dinner with a friend.
• The "Church of Solitude" Scout: Identify one physical location (a park bench, a library nook, a specific trail) that feels like "yours."

Ongoing

• Practice Self-Regulation: When you feel a spike of anxiety or boredom while alone, instead of reaching for your phone, try a breathing exercise or a 5-minute stretch.
• The "Abundance" Filter: Before saying "yes" to a social plan that feels draining, ask yourself: "Would I still want to do this if I knew I could just stay home and enjoy my own company?"
• Identify your "Solo Hobby": Find a craft (watercolor, journaling, gardening) that allows you to enter a "flow state" where you lose track of time.

Common pitfalls

• The "Productivity" Trap: Thinking that "being alone" means you must be "doing" something productive. Sometimes, the goal is simply to be present with yourself.
• The "Hyper-Independence" Trap: The opposite extreme—refusing all help and isolating yourself because you're afraid of being "dragged down" by others. Spake emphasizes "healthy dependency."
• The "Digital Substitution" Trap: Replacing human presence with "other people's voices" (podcasts, TikTok, YouTube) to avoid the actual feeling of being alone. This prevents the "muscle" of solitude from growing.

Connects to

• The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain: Spake references Cain’s work regarding the importance of looking inward to understand your own feelings.
• Social Neuroscience (John Carpaccio): The distinction between voluntary solitude and involuntary social withdrawal.

If you remember only three things

• Solitude is a skill that builds self-regulation; the more you practice it, the less you have to rely on others to "fix" your internal state.
• Solitude is not Loneliness: Loneliness is a painful gap in connection; solitude is a voluntary, presence-filled state that fosters creativity and intelligence.
• The Abundance Principle: Being comfortable alone allows you to be more selective and intentional with your relationships, moving from "needing" people to "choosing" them.

Internalize it

• Reflection questions

  • When I am alone, what is the specific "secondary fear" I am trying to avoid? (Is it boredom, a fear of my own thoughts, or a fear of being "unsuccessful"?)
  • Do I currently rely on others to regulate my emotions (co-regulation), and what would happen if I tried to self-regulate for just 10 minutes today?
  • If I were my own "best friend," what kind of solo date would I plan for myself this weekend?
  • In what areas of my life am I using "digital noise" (podcasts/scrolling) to avoid the actual experience of being alone?

• Flashcards Q: What is the difference between solitude and loneliness? A: Solitude is characterized by presence and is a voluntary state; loneliness is characterized by absence, longing, and rumination. Q: What is "co-regulation"? A: The process of using other people to help calm down or steady our emotions. Q: How does solitude contribute to creativity? A: It allows for the "incubation of ideas" and a "loosening" of thoughts that happens when social pressure is removed. Q: What is a "Church of Solitude"? A: A personal, private location where you go specifically to practice being alone and enjoy your own company. Q: What is the "Abundance" principle of solitude? A: The idea that being comfortable alone allows you to be more selective about who you let into your life, creating higher-quality relationships. Q: What is "Social Withdrawal"? A: A state where social interaction feels threatening or exhausting, often due to past trauma or a bad breakup, rather than a voluntary preference for solitude.

Fidelity note

This summary is based entirely on the provided transcript. I am confident in the distinction between solitude and loneliness, the concepts of co-regulation vs. self-regulation, and the "Church of Solitude" framework. The transcript mentions a study by a "pediatrician and psychoanalyst" (Donald Winnicott) and a study on "silence" (University of Italy), which are included as supporting evidence for the guest's claims. The transcript does not provide a specific "how-to" manual, so the "Frameworks" section is a synthesis of the